Breaking: Student trapped in, RA found guilty

Kiara Paninos, Timothy Shallot’s Gardener

A new meaning was brought to “virtual reality” when first-year, Lostun Fount, was rescued from the social event platform GatherDotTown the week after orientation. Fount had unknowingly downloaded some malware by clicking on an advertisement claiming to sell shoes previously owned by that one guy who climbed that really difficult rock (there was a movie about it). When he hopped on to GatherDownTown to check out the Whitman activities fair, the malware sucked him into his computer.

Illustration by Hayden Cooper.

Fount was trapped on the platform for three days before authorities got to the bottom of his truly mysterious disappearance. But after questioning the sniveling cyborg RA of GatherUpTown, M. O. Shuns, they finally had a suspect. On a Skype call, Shuns had stupidly tried to convince the police that he didn’t even know what a computer was, which prompted detectives into some top-notch investigating and totally legal, not-at-all excessively aggressive interrogating. By pinching Shuns’ ears and threatening to pour chilled Boxed WaterTM all over him, detectives finally got him to confess to scheming the whole thing. 

“It was honestly too easy” said Shuns. “All I had to do was [REDACTED]. I mean like, who doesn’t freaking love that rock climbing movie?! Then I just [REDACTED] and downloaded the [REDACTED] to the [REDACTED] and then he was here with me in RatherNotTown. Literally anyone could do it.” When asked why he would do something so incredibly malicious, Shuns said that he had just been so lonely as the RA of GamersGetDown and he had wanted a companion to shush the rowdy activities fair tables and have “endless teatimes” with. Unfortunately for Shuns, Fount had been hiking all summer and even his little pixilated body could run faster than a stressed out RA.

Fount is now safely back home with his family, reading a book and eating raw oats. Shuns faces a lifetime of weekend duty.