The Senior Slide, an on-campus means of transportation reserved only for seniors, has become dangerously slippery and will be closed this week. 

The Slide is meant to make spring semester easier for stressed-out seniors, cutting down transportation time so they have a few more minutes in the day to study or write their theses. However, it seems it is more often being used when seniors leave their houses ten minutes late for class before deciding it is just too late and skipping it altogether. It has been getting progressively slipperier as the semester has gone on, endangering the students who choose to use it, especially if they’re in a rush. 

“I was on the senior slide last Wednesday,” says Delilah Bobimbus, “and I slid down it so fast my guts exploded out of me and I couldn’t go to class.”

The grounds crew hopes to find a solution to the slippery slide issue by the end of the week. Though they have tried sanding and salting it, this senior class seems to be using it so frequently that any friction created is wiped away almost as soon as it is laid down. 

The school also asked that The Wire remind our readers that the Senior Slide may be more dangerous when used with intoxicants, and should not be used during parties, darties, weekends or after school hours. Any injuries caused by The Slide should be reported to the Health Center.