‘Food At Home’ Actually Tupperware of Slugs

AE, Heir to Rat King

Junior Margaret Muppenhoush was just trying to do the right thing. She was tired of checking her bank account and only seeing $3.54 on her debit card, so this past Friday, when she got that 4:45 p.m. “Sushi?” text from good friend James Jumbleholt she knew she had to turn it down. She resigned herself to the leftovers at home in the fridge. 

When she got home, though, she knew something wasn’t right. A smell like bananas and onions — a banonion smell, if you will — was emanating from the fridge. As she approached, brows furrowed, the scent got stronger; some new smell had been added to the banonion one — parsley maybe? Stomach acid? What was it? She opened the fridge and was hit with a puff of rancid steam unfurling from beneath the quivering top of the Tupperware that held her leftovers. The container was trembling on the shelf, as though it was about to blow. Just as she reached for it, the Tupperware exploded, and what appeared to be salted slugs misted the entire kitchen, splattering the stove, the walls, the floor and Margaret’s face. 

Margaret swears that the leftovers had been spaghetti only a day ago, but forensic evidence from the remnants of the spray unequivocally confirms that they were indeed 226.78 grams of salted slugs. The chemistry behind the transition from spaghetti to slug is still being investigated.  “I mean, I know hindsight is 20/20 but I swear I’ll never say no to a sushi invite again,” Margaret told us.

Illustration by Elie Flanagan