Long-term effects of Varsity Nordic’s 24-hour show begin to be seen

Anthony Reale, Scented Tracksuit

A long-toasted tradition of Whitman improv tradition, the Varsity Nordic 24-hour Show happened a couple weeks ago.  After this year’s show, however, it was revealed that some intrepid senior Biology-Psychology-Anthropology-Weirdo Studies Majors have been tracking the aftermath of these shows and what happens to the students who perform in them.

“It’s been a challenging process, but we have found that both the students performing and viewing the show have been grim,” said senior Minnelangelo Petri.

The students reportedly found that the nonstop improvisation began to literally force the IQs of the entire campus into a downward spiral, except for those students committing the act of improvisation.

“Yes, we did find that the members of Varsity Nordic experienced an enormous spike in their grey matter during the 24-hour show.  Where their audience began to drool from their brains literally shrinking in their skulls, the performers’ skulls began to strain outward from a gain in brain size,” said Connie Numbergal, a data collector for the project.

From what The Wire understands, the performers have a diabolical plan than includes trapping Whitman students in the basement of a rundown building and sapping their intellect in order to make better jokes.  This reporter cannot confirm if this is accurate or not, but all that can be asked is that students avoid improv at any cost, for their own safety.

Illustration by Elie Flanagan