BREAKING: Out of jail for now, Whitman College CFO walks free

Anthony Reale, Chronic Spatula

Whitman College CFO Harvey McCrunchdanumbaz was released from Walla Walla Maximum Security Jail and Pizza Hut on Tuesday, after narrowly avoiding a life sentence for the beheadings of multiple students and their campus pets.

According to several eyewitness testimonies, the case was a class-action lawsuit made against McCrunchdanumbaz by a coalition of students who had found their various betta fish’s heads nailed over the entryway to their dorm rooms.

“We thought it was a sick prank at first, but when we realized that the fish heads weren’t paper mache, we were like totally like torn like up.  Oh, and the human murders were bad too,” said Francine L. Nomofish, a vegan representative of the student coalition.

But no sick prank it was.  Thirty-seven fish and 439 students were dismembered since the arrival of McCrunchdanumbaz at Whitman College, so members of the student body made an accusation based off of the ‘first in, last out’ mentality that so many corporate bodies use.

“McCrunchdanumbaz seemed like the most likely candidate.  He’s a member of the administration, a massive tool, and has a really guilty-looking face.  He also constantly rubs his hands together like a fly that’s just landed on your picnic lunch,” said Nomofish.

Regardless of the student backlash, the jury found McCrunchdanumbaz innocent, despite his avant-garde suit, which was patterned with confession notes from various famous murders of the last nine centuries.

“We were very lucky to find some crucial evidence against a string of sadistic students that wished to put their innocent CFO in jail.  The hung jury helped too,” said Shirley S. Quire, McCrunchdanumbaz’s lawyer.

From the MurderWatch Office of The Wire, this reporter would like to remind you to always travel in pairs and to keep at least two betta fish in a bowl at all times.