Brave Whittie eats as many rocks as he possibly can during climbing trip over spring break

Anthony Reale, Infrequent Rock Toucher

As spring break ground to a close, the student body began making their way back to Whitman College. However, before Mario McRocksaclimb could begin his return journey from “Red Rocks” — a McDonald’s PlayPlace that many Whitman climbers frequent in the city of Predictable, Colorado — he faced a dilemma.

After 127 straight hours of being avoided by other climbers in the labyrinth of tubes within the McDonald’s, McRocksaclimb experienced a slight existential crisis.

“It felt like they didn’t think I was the real deal because I got altitude sickness in the highest tube.  It’s not fair!” said McRocksaclimb, clearly hardened by his sadness.

According to some high-level sources in the Climbing Gym, McRocksaclimb had been underperforming since his first year.

Illustration by Megan Waldau

“I’ve never seen him even jump up to touch the door frame when he walks through it, like all of us climbers” said Silt Shorty, the Captain of the Rock Climbing Team.

In order to avenge his brutally-murdered reputation, McRocksaclimb thought fast before clambering into the van to return to Whitman, coming up with a foolproof plan. McRocksaclimb gathered every rock he could inside Predictable city limits, stuffing each and every one inside his mouth.

Resembling a human chipmunk, McRocksaclimb climbed into the van to a tumultuous applause from his fellow rock climbers.  They had never seen such a successful underdog story in their lives.

“Yeah, it was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Granite Gravity, a member of the team.

As the semester winds back up, McRocksaclimb looks forward to more successes in his rock climbing game.

“I’m excited to try climbing on top of all sorts of new obstacles! Chairs, tables, and, who knows? Maybe I’ll touch an actual rock before the end of the semester!” said McRocksaclimb.

As always, from the Rock Excitement and Studies Office of The Wire, we ask that you wear a helmet to keep your brain in if you fall whilst climbing.