Whitman Boy’s Wealth Exposed over Parent’s Weekend

AE, Lobster Taunter

Junior Josh Collins had skillfully hidden his family’s wealth until Parents Weekend, but was outed as a secret rich kid as he left brunch with his parents. Josh was spotted by some of his peers stepping out of Bread Co with his Patagonia-clad father and mother dripping in lululemon and Kate Spade. Josh— in his usual Goodwill flannel, Vans with holes in them and   unwashed tee shirt— slipped into the back of his dad’s Lexus, clutching his longboard and attempting to hide his face. The SUV sped away, but his peers knew what they had seen. “It’s just really fucked up,” commented one of his peers. “He lives in one of those houses with those destroyed couches out in front… like… why?” Another remarked, “He’s the kind of kid who will venmo request you for $1.76. I just feel deceived, bro.”
Josh’s parents were later seen unloading three-Costco-trips-worth of groceries outside Josh’s house. A Wire source overheard Mrs. Collins angrily whispering to Mr. Collins, “Why does Joshie live in this squalor? We work hard for our money — I’m just confused about what status he thinks he’s gaining here by living like this.” Other sources have claimed to have seen the same phenomenon among other wealthy Whitman students. The Wire contacted Josh, who did not wish to comment. If you have any further information on this phenomenon, please contact the Whitman Wire Wealthies Hotline.