Helpful Hilda

Ashlyn Quintus & Annelise Ellingboe


Hi. Something is not right. My dog, a small large corgi/great dane mix named Henry, cannot stop… tooting ): Even my guests are concerned and refuse to enter my abode because of the gruesome scent. Worse yet, I am starting to wonder if he is doing it to spite me. He now does it whenever our eyes meet  he will lock eyes with me and let out a something horrible. Is he mad at me? Was it the vegan chew toys? I am so lonely.
Janice Jellybean

Dear Janus,

Small large corgreat danes are a very finicky breed, so you are not alone. I’m glad you mentioned the vegan chewtoy, because I would just like to congratulate you about you and your dog’s veganism. Veganism is THE ONLY ETHICAL CONSUMPTION UNDER CAPITALISM!!!!!!! My new boyfriend is vegan and now I am too and, like, did you know that it can reduce your carbon footprint by like a zillion??? And also like wow I just love being VeGaN! I poop 7 times a day and my skin has no acne and is so lovely and pale from my vitamin D and iron deficiency!!!!!! Mm Mm MMMMM soy is so good for me and the environment yum yum yum yum yum! Did you know cow’s milk is basically just pus and antibiotics? And honestly, our teeth are so flat they are like almost definitely meant to eat an herbivorous diet!!!! Our canines are probably just a fluke 😉
Sorry–I never do this, but I just have to talk about me for just one eensy weensy second!!! Update to my readers: Over the summer, I got a NEW BOYFRIEND (!!!!!!!!) because my old one (big thumbs DOWN) cheated on me with his personal trainer and I will NOT be sending them a wedding gift for their very small ceremony in Barbados.
anyway, GO VEGAN!
I hope that helps!
PS. Please can someone Venmo me to help with my parking tickets 🙁