Oh boy, I am screwed. I mean, it’s the day before the big rodeo and I have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing! Everyone says that the first rodeo is the hardest and I’m completely out of my depths here!

Like…do I bring a gun? People bring guns to rodeos, right? For the gunfights? And the last thing I want is to be that guy that brings a knife to a gunfight. You bring a gun to a gunfight — okay, now we’re in business. You bring a gun to a knife fight — even better. What’s a puny little knife going to do against a gun? Oh, but could you be disqualified from the knife fight for that? Okay, so I’ll be sure to bring guns and knives.

What else do I need…? Ugh, I am so nervous. But I’ve heard that the second rodeo is a lot easier than the first. You know, I’m sure people will be understanding of the fact that I’m a newbie and they’ll go easy on me. I’m just going to try and relax and have a good time.

Oh, I should bring some mints! So that I can freshen my breath between fights, or between chewing on hunks of meat or whatever it is people do at rodeos! And maybe I can offer a mint to the people around me as like a conversation starter. That way, I won’t have to kiss anyone with bad breath.

Wait…people do kiss at rodeos right? I mean like after the fight is over, the winners and losers kiss and make up? That’s what my mama told me, I think, that the first time is special and afterwards you share a nice kiss with your partner.

Okay, so I’ve got my guns and my knives and my mints! I think I’m ready to do this thing! Wish me luck!