The Whitman College campus was a dreary piece of shit until the renovation of Reid Campus Center was completed.

Some might say it was Stanton Hall that was the crowning jewel of the blood diamond crown of money spent in renovations this summer.  Others say it will be Chuck E. Cheese Dining Commons (when it reaches completion in the spring of 2045.) These people are idiots.

Why would you choose buildings that have color in them as a point of pride for campus when Reid Campus Center now features a real-life airport food court?  I mean, did you even SEE the color scheme? It makes this reporter come to terms with the futility of human existence every time I enter the building. To the old folks’ home that keeps calling to get its furniture back: shove off.  Furniture-caused depression is IN now, didn’t you hear?

On top of these beautiful new pieces of furniture, Reid is now offering flights straight to the most sought-after destinations!  Enjoy a Reid-brand coffee and then hop right onto your Reid-brand flight to Chernobyl! Or maybe take a vacation to the sewer from the 2006 hit film Flushed Away.

Head over to Reid Campus Center as soon as you can to see horrified alumni leaving as fast as they can, students considering transferring to University of Phoenix, and the 66 flights a day to two terrible locations.