You may have heard that Whitman College recently made some changes to its college application requirements. For one, submitting standardized test scores is now optional. Students no longer have to feel guilty about failing the SAT after their family spent millions of dollars on an under-qualified tutor because “that’s what Pam did for the twins.” Instead, they can simply go to the tutors but never take the test!

Perhaps even more surprising is the new facial piercings requirement. From now on, every student who applies to Whitman must have a nose piercing. This can be a dainty nostril hole or a septum gauge. All that matters is that the student’s nose is punctured in at least one area. Rumor has it that the more nose holes a student has, the more likely he or she will be to receive financial aid.

Several applicants who were rejected because of their virgin noses felt compelled to express their experiences with a heavily pierced reporter. “I have 5-inch gauges in my ears, nipple piercings, an eyebrow piercing and an accidental hole in my tongue, but I was still rejected from Whitman because I have a bare nose,” Paulina Paucket, a senior from Accident, Maryland said.

Pierce Miaz, a proud supporter of body holes, felt personally offended by the policy. “For religious reasons, I choose to leave my nose the way God intended it be,” he said as he attached a sixth hoop to his upper lip. “I don’t think it’s out of line to report the school for violating my First Amendment rights. I want them to know that I’m Peirce(d) and I’m pissed.”

Instead of commenting on the outrage, Whitman had representatives pass out coupons for Tatmandu and DIY piercings kits for the intellectually curious.