What is Jill Stein Doing Now?

Clara Wheeler, The Chosen One

After losing yet another campaign, perpetual optimist and everybody’s second-favorite grandma Jill Stein can be found baking cookies in her massive Massachusetts mansion. These cookies are for all of her dedicated supporters in the previous unsuccessful election. “I just wanted to give everybody a token of my appreciation for their backing and for essentially throwing their vote away,” Stein said, dumping raisins into the dough. “It means a lot to me that they would disregard the successful tendency of certain political parties to cast their approval in my direction.” She swatted my hand away from the dough. “Don’t eat that! Uncooked cookie dough is part of the Clinton’s Big Liberal Agenda!”

Stein put the cookies in the oven, and we began pedaling the bicycles that powered the oven. She explained to me that in her new free time, she has also started learning to play the spoons, calling it “the world’s most practical instrument.” She then gave a demonstration of her progress so far, which was further along than her campaign ever reached and even more impressive given that she was pedaling off-time.

When I excused myself to make a phone call, Stein apologetically explained that the whole house was an RF dead zone. “We had it set up when the kids were growing up in order to protect them from the harmful effects of the radio waves,” she said. “Oh, no, we also don’t have Wi-Fi here. Because I actually care about my brain.”

The cookies came out of the oven as a gooey mess that reminded me of her stance on higher public education. I asked her where she got her recipe, she responded with, “I just made it up as I went along, kind of like my data on GMOs. They look good, don’t they?” They did.

Jill Stein offered me a cookie before I left. It was still warm, but far too healthy to be tasty.