Obituary: Class of 2021’s Individuality is Dead at 4 Months Old

Anthony Reale, Amateur Mortician

Individuality in the Class of 2021 has passed away at 4 months old.  The school was hopeful that the class’s will to be different would break the literal cake mold that Whitman seniors pop out of during the graduation ceremony. Despite these–however unrealistic–hopes, the Class of 2021 has officially melded into the stereotypes that we all have come to know and ‘love.’

One might remember fondly how people from all walks of life came to Whitman with the arrival of the Class of 2021.  The big-city folks brought their fancy lifestyles, with complicated coffee orders and a ‘taste for the finer things,’ and the small-town people brought their quaint upbringings and ‘sense of country morality’ that city folks “just don’t get.”  International students, to the Admissions office’s relief, brought the ratio of white people to trees down “a whole .0001 of a percent more than last year’s class!”

As the four months of last semester progressed, however, we saw these young folks beginning to acquire the characteristic Whitman trademarks: Chacos, Birkenstocks, eyebrow slits, pierced noses. The list goes on, but this reporter began feeling sick to his stomach and could not go on with the atrocities done to Individuality. It’s a disgrace that such an innocent bystander has been tortured so. How can we get you back, Individuality? I fear we never will get you back.

Someday, we will get a new, fresh-faced Individuality of the Class of 2022.  They don’t know it yet, but they are the only hope we have in avoiding the apocalyptic future where we all are the same exact person.  Maybe we’ll stop the Whittie stereotypes next year. The only one we can unite behind is 2022’s Individuality. This year’s individuality is dead. And we will never get it back.

The Class of 2021’s Individuality is survived by its three wives: the Class of 2022, all of Walla Walla University’s (actually interesting and genuine) students and the Subaru Outback.