Released Files about JFK Reveal Truths that Surprise Nobody

Clara Wheeler, A Literal Swingline Stapler

Finally, with a non-career politician in office, we will finally get the truth about America’s most hotly contested assassination. For years, the secretive legislator cabal that runs the country has hid the facts about the JFK assassination from us, but no longer. Now, with a president that is not a part of the inner circle that knows how to run a country, we are getting the lowdown on the life and murder of President JFK in 1963, as President Trump plans to release a treasure trove of new files. Little did he know that Nicolas Cage had already snuck into the vaults and released that national treasure trove of information to us here at The Wire.

First things first, the new file confirms a long-standing theory that the “F” in JFK does not in fact stand for Fitzgerald, as JFK claimed, but rather for FRussiaisthebest (the F is silent).

More importantly, these files contain new information about the assassination of President JFK. The files have supported the existence of the much-deliberated second shooter, who, confirming theories, had the favorable sniper position of being within the car. The second shooter, who was wearing full-body camouflage to look like an empty car seat, simply waited after the shooting for the scene to clear and then left.  

But what else will these files reveal? What more did the President and his secret service keep hidden from us? Only time will tell, dear readers. Only time will tell.