Local Girl Becomes Hot to “Give Back”

Maude Lustig, Virgin

Reports came in early Thursday morning that local girl Lynda Miller is now officially hot. The news came as a surprise to her parents and many of the boys in her school.

“I just walked into Calc this morning, and there was Lynda. And I thought, damn, she’s looking pretty nice today,” said Greg Stewarts, a junior at Lynda’s high school.

“I’ve always told my little girl that she can do anything,” said Susan Miller, Lynda’s mother, who also used to be hot. “I’m incredibly proud of her and I think the work she’s doing is incredible.”

Lynda held a press conference this morning to address her newfound allure. In her statement, she identified this change in status as being all thanks to a new health shake, saying, “I never could have done it without HotForSure™, which comes in three different flavors and is completely sugar-free. Get yours today for only $10.99!”

We caught up with Lynda after her conference to ask her why she decided to become hot.

“The uggos have given so much to me,” Lynda explained, “so I thought it was time that I give something back.”

Her first step?

“I was thinking I might hang out with some of the nerds at lunch tomorrow. You know, let them bask in my presence. And then, who knows? I might do some modeling for the children’s hospital. Who knows? The world is my oyster.”