Rogue Sprinklers Continue to Terrorize Student Body

Ann Karneus, News Regurgitator

With the dry weather still at large in Walla Walla, sprinklers attacks on the Whitman campus have been reaching unprecedented amounts in recent weeks. In an announcement made last Monday by President Kathy Murray, Whitman students were warned to stay inside and be sure to stay off large areas of grass and pathways. The entire campus has essentially been put on lockdown, with assaults being reported on Ankeny, the pathways by Memorial and even outside the science building. These attacks have been classified as random, and horrifyingly, the sprinklers do not seem to differentiate between men, women, grass, pavement or even children. In a torrent of highly pressurized, recycled water, innocent victims find themselves drenched from head to toe, with their only remaining option to sprint as fast as they can out of the danger zone and head for cover. After the initial hysteria, however, students and victims alike are beginning to gather their thoughts and speak out against these heinous crimes. One first year, who preferred to remain anonymous, tearfully said, “Every time I leave Jewett, I have to think–will I be safe?” In a heart wrenching interview detailing her attack, she choked out, “I was just walking across Ankeny minding my own business when all of a sudden I got hit out of nowhere by a roaring wall of water. My books and clothes were soaked, and I was squelching around in my Birkenstocks for the rest of the day.” With hundreds of horror stories like these, it’s shocking that no further administrative action has been taken. Innocent civilians and students continue to be terrorized, and a resounding question reverberates throughout campus: What will be done to stop this watery onslaught once and for all?