Health Squared Plan

Clara Wheeler, Dumpster Scuba Diver

Illustration by Claire Revere

After the tragic deaths of many health care plans, the Senate is proposing a new health care plan specifically for their health care plans. The Health Squared Plan, as it is being called, will allow health care plans to receive medical attention for the ailments that plague them.

“We can’t afford to keep losing them like this,” Senator Bill said. “It seems like every single plan sickens and dies as soon as it’s created.” The cemetery in D.C. dedicated to failed bills has grown at an alarming pace from the sudden influx of health care plans that have been repealed, revised and replaced in the last year alone.

One health care plan, sniffling into the microphone, said “I just don’t know how much longer I can keep this up, it’s simply exhausting.” The plan then proceeded to blow its nose on itself and shuffled away, coughing. This plan has been sick for several months now, and as of press time, has shown no signs of improvement. With the Health Squared Plan, this bill will be able to receive the attention it deserves and will maybe even one day be a law.

However, it is a long, long journey to the capital city, and it is a long, long wait while the bill is sitting in committee. While the bill can hope and pray that it will be a law someday, today it is still just a bill.