SCANDAL: OP’s Did It Again


Illustration by Haley King

Anthony Reale, McRib Apologist

The Whitman College Outdoor Program came under fire yet again this last week as it was revealed that their canoes are made of whale bone. The OP had been hiding this outrageous activity for weeks, claiming that “canoes are made of wood and wood only” the entire time.

“Yep, just whale bones. That’s the only atrocity we’re hiding. No whale oil lamps or furs in the back room,” said Sheryl O. Utdoor, Head of Good Times and Such in the OP.

Illustration by Haley King

The Wire inquired further, asking students who frequent the Outdoor Program about these apparent transgressions. Many spat in this reporter’s direction when they discovered the Whitman tabloid was approaching them.

After hours of searching and pretending to be associated with “Blue Moon,” this reporter scored one succinct interview.

“Oh, yeah, I heard about the whale bone canoes. I thought that was a euphemism for a special type of canoe though,” sophomore Hike McGrassman said. “Then again, I did go on the ‘endangered fox fur collection trip’ last semester,” he continued.  For this reporter’s safety, the interview concluded there, before McGrassman realized he had been covertly interviewed.

This reporter wonders how many red flags must be raised before the OP is stopped–will they be stopped at whale blubber sunglasses? Caribou antler chairs? Axolotl hide headbands? Giraffe tooth combs? Elephant ear sheets? Human nose flutes?