Divest Whitman has Sacrificed One of its Own


Illustration by Haley King

Clara Wheeler, Level 2 Paladin

In a last ditch effort to capture the Board of Trustees’ attention, Divest Whitman has sacrificed one of its members and spread the entrails all throughout Memorial, spelling out protests like “Coal Kills,” “Divest” and, in one case that seemed to defy the amount of innards available, “Stop Putting our Money in Corporations that Harm the Planet, Please.”

Many students feel extremely passionate about divesting, and so the club had to hold a raffle drawing in order to decide who would be the lucky one to get sacrificed for the cause. First year Yuri Chapette got the honors, and strode into the pentagram with pride shining in her eyes.


Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

“We had tried everything,” said club leader Ratchett Johnson, still dressed in a blood-smeared sacrificial robe. “We’ve put signs up in front of Mem, we’ve cut out so many squares of orange felt and we even put on a fake wedding that turned weird when we realized we’d gotten a real officiant. And then I thought, ‘You know what we haven’t tried?’”

The Board of Trustees, however, remains unimpressed. “We’ve seen our share of ritual sacrifices and Dark Magik,” said one member. “The last people that tried this ended up in that walkway by Maxey.” Though Whitman will not be divesting anytime soon, the Board is really looking forward to seeing what the Divest Whitman club will try next.