Whitman Trends


Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

Anthony Reale, Crustacean Attorney

The Wire has been tracking the most popular trends at Whitman College for quite some time now. Here are the best, most heartily agreed-upon trends at the jewel of Snobville, USA:

Illustration by Haley King

Gluten-free water:

The college has boasted gluten-free water for quite some time now as a precaution for the Whitman ducks. We at Whitman believe that ducks are constantly discriminated against with the assumption that they want to eat bread, breadcrumbs, cereal or other gluten-related products, so we went one step further than merely establishing the QUACK squad (Questioning hUmans Against breadCrumbs for ducKs). We’re so happy to announce that our ducks have never been duckier.

Nalgene Thigh Gaps:

We at Whitman have found that our water bottles just need to have a little space between the legs, you know? It’s been popular for quite a while now to get the water bottle that can hit the splits better than you can! (Available in the Whitman Bookstore for $199.95).

Slack-lining VR:

Whitman finally got past that pesky trend of actually slack-lining outside and set up an indoor center for slack-lining year-round! It’s essentially just walking on the floor in a straight line with some really expensive goggles on, but it gets the job done.

Pretending Walla Walla doesn’t exist:

This one’s easy for Whitman students! We’re already so self-involved that we sometimes even forget that there’s a place outside of Whitman’s borders.

Being alive, but only ironically:

People at Whitman couldn’t actually seriously be alive. Irony drips through our blood more than sarcasm does! Ironically, being alive is the only way to go.