Venmo, the popular app that lets people transfer money to others for quick and easy payments, has recently landed itself in some hot water. After being investigated for involvement in black market exchanges, the FBI found that the app was indeed guilty. Among the selling of sea cucumbers and baby formula, Venmo was discovered to have a secret section devoted to the purchasing of human organs.

Most Whitman students use Venmo to pay as little as possible for philanthropy events to avoid the full price at the door, as well as for buying guest swipes off of innocent first-years. They were shocked to hear the news.

“I can’t believe people are buying organs off of Venmo,” junior Talia Hart said as she rubbed her midsection. “I only use it when I’m out of cash or when I need to stock up on some human hair for my art projects, so this comes as a complete shock to me.”

Perhaps the oddest aspect of the scandal has to do with the method of organ delivery. Similar to the beginning of the movie “Dumbo,” storks traversed the United States and delivered the desired organs to the recipients’ houses. The organs were individually wrapped in cloth handkerchiefs and personalized with notes from their donors. This, however, did not impress the FBI enough to absolve Venmo of its crime.

In response to Venmo’s illegal activity, the FBI has placed the app on probation until it literally “cleans itself up.” Venmo’s headquarters, located in Wealthy, Texas, is currently enveloped in a black-and-blue fumigation tent. Employees linked to the crime were forced to pay for both emotional and physical traumas via Spendmo, Venmo’s primary rival app, as punishment.