ASWC: No More Mr. Nice Senate

Clara Wheeler, Digital Optimizer

Since the dawn of time, the members of ASWC senate have been known for their deep-seated reverence of the noble duty of representing students. Their solemnity in their time-honored task is well marked by their attention to detailed procedure, and always going to meetings dressed like it’s a formal brunch. “Proper attire encourages proper conduct,” one ASWC senator said while displaying flawless posture. “One cannot simply go traipsing around like a hooligan and expect work to get done.”

Clearly these dignified dignitaries not only find time in their busy lives to dress for the best job they’ll never have, but also uphold a model work ethic. Although famously busy doing a wide range of difficult tasks, of which there are many, and they are difficult, ASWC called a press conference earlier today to announce the newly revised rules of order for meetings.

Wearing a robe, a powdered wig and wielding a gavel constructed solely from rare steaks, Henry M. Robert III walked up to the podium with all the grace of a 20 year-old who had been sitting at a desk for a long time. “Good afternoon,” he started off strongly, then went in to reiterate the rules of the press conference. “Reporters will not speak unless spoken to. There will be a period at the end where you will all be able to shout questions at me at once, but I will be too overwhelmed by the loud noise to answer any of them. Absolutely no gum chewing.” After several riveting minutes of Henry M. Robert III laying down the law as only a member of ASWC knows how, he announced that the new rule would forbid time wasting in senate meetings, but encourage speaking loudly as a method of getting one’s point across.

As reporters, as students, as Americans, we look forward to a bright and shining future filled with efficient bureaucracy.

Disclaimer: This is satire