Sean Spicer Returns Home, Dignity Intact


Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

Anthony Reale, Mitchell's BFF

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

Last weekend, White House Press Secretariat Sean Spicer returned home for the first time in weeks. After being constantly on call for President Trunk for nearly a month, Spicer had a chance to kiss his wife and children, and pull his JCPenney loafers off, exposing the fungus hellscape inside.

Despite the fumes, reporters from The Wire were lucky enough to score an interview with the husk of a man.

“Really, it’s a fantastic job. I’ve never been happier. Never been happier. Never. Ever,” Spicer said, staring straight into the abyss.

In his time so far in his position, Spicer has elected to use Alternative Facts, has barely constructed a correct English word and felt his soul leave through his very eyes at the last press conference he held.

When asked about President Tonka’s supposed need to scapegoat someone within the administration, Spicer was all confidence.

“I’m really indispensable to the whole operation. Ya know? I am the President’s right-hand man. He really wouldn’t be able to do anything without me at his beck-and-call,” Spicer assured The Wire.

However, upon slightly more pointed questions, Spicer broke down immediately.

“I just want to be loved by him, ya know? I work so hard to cover up his shit and he doesn’t even appreciate me. Not even a high-five or an offer to go play catch on the lawn. I just want to play catch!” Spicer said, blinking through tears.

The Wire, upon finding out about Spicer’s issues with his father, plans to investigate his issues further in the future.