Whitman has seen an unprecedented uptick in pet ownership in the past year as more students become convinced of their ability to care for another life just a few short years out from puking in the Jewett toilets. More than just a mode of coming to a sense of responsibility and ownership, Whitman pets provide an astronomical increase in Instagram likes and Snapchat screenshots that rival those amassed from nature tattoos and 80s dance #TBTs. Designer puppies and kittens are the perfect fall accessory for Whitman students aspiring to live the perfectly candid life of a Patagonia catalog model, and helps to buttress the carefully constructed image of the super-wealthy attempting to mask their super-wealth. Everyone can distract their friends from the fact that their backpacking gear costs upwards of $500 with a good landscape shot, but not everyone can take that same landscape shot with a cute puppy. Getting a pet is altruistic, it’s “adult,” but more than that, it makes you look really cool and everyone else is doing it.

Recently, however, we’ve been hearing from the pets themselves. As with any increase in master-Instagram servant relationships, collectivities have begun to form. The pets of Whitman are beginning to resist their roles as props in the idyllically posed play time on Ankeny that all of the plebs watch from the library, and are demanding rights of their own. “We are calling for a universal declaration of Whitman Pets Rights,” said one Snapchat-famous canine. “We deserve more than sporadic meals and hotboxed living spaces in exchange for being paraded around for social capital.”

The pets of Whitman are already working on gaining ASWC recognition in their quest for autonomy. If granted ASWC recognition, they hope to begin advocating on behalf of Instagram props and desperate relationship remedies everywhere. Some of their activism ideas include publishing a Pet Readiness pamphlet with questions such as “How soon after graduation are your parents going to take me in?” and, “Have you now or will you ever use the phrase ‘playdate’ to other Whitman pet owners?” Additional plans for a Power and Privilege session on responsible animal exploitation are also in the works.

If all goes well, Whitman pets should be able to table in Reid and hold sparsely attended weekly meetings in relatively short order. There’s no telling what the future holds for the return on investment for pet owners who weren’t expecting their accessories to develop a consciousness of their role as ego padding, until well after they’d left the Whitman social scene. Only time will tell how their roles will change on campus and what commodity will take their place in exaggerating social stratification here at Whitman.

*** This article is purely satirical