The Bush Wins Coveted Glaucoma Prevention Award

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer

History was made this Thursday at approximately 3:11 p.m. when residents of The Bush (by far Whitman’s most health-conscious off-campus house) were presented with the National Institute of Health’s prestigious Glaucoma Prevention Award. The massive golden trophy in the shape of a disembodied human eye was given to an inexplicably jovial bush resident, Craig SonofaWatt.

When asked for comment regarding the award, the NIH responded that Bush residents were “extraordinarily unlikely to contract glaucoma” and “truly dedicated to the cause of preemptive eye disease treatment.” Setting the standard for awareness as well, members of The Bush are reportedly holding a “Rock For the Cure” fundraiser/jam session this Wednesday at 10 p.m. Public sentiment on the matter has been largely positive:

“I’m so proud to promote glaucoma-consciousness in this healthy and supportive environment.

-An anonymous, sweater-wearing Bush tenant


-A haggard, red-eyed George Bridges shortly after departing a 1970s VW Minivan plastered with “Grateful Dead” bumper stickers


-The Vigilante Feminist while dangling a will-meaning falafel eater from atop a shadowy Gotham fire escape

Needless to say, the men of Beta Theta Pi are devastated.