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October 20, 2016
“Nothing is black and white!” shouted protestors this Saturday, carrying signs painted with all the colors of the wind on various colors of poster board. A couple of them included pictures of pandas, with their monochrome coats dyed rainbow hues. This protest is just the latest in a series of demonstrations against the labelling of the world into set categories. Previous demonstrations have included: mixing the salt and pepper together, painting over chess boards to turn it into a multicolored mess and only using the color printer.
“Labels are harmful and we need to get rid of them all,” said one of the protestors, who prefers to be nameless because, “That’s just a brand given to me by my parents. It’s not who I am.” This movement has already removed all the labels from soup cans in the Bon App kitchens, citing the reason that the soup should be able to choose what to be. When asked about it, chef René Zúmfish stated that Bon App was okay with it saying, “Yeah, we don’t really look at what we put into our soups. Let the kiddos have their fun.”
In order to go label-less, the movement is trying to rename things to be more descriptive of what they actually represent in order to be more accurate. “It’s impossible for one word to encapsulate all of the nuances of the idea,” said a protester who goes by Honey Leaf Dance. “Condensing the concept destroys its beauty,” chimed in Beard Plaid Sequoia. “Totally,” nodded Honey Leaf Dance knowingly. They released a statement with a few examples of their new plan, including redubbing Penrose Library as the Place To Hang Out With Friends While You Pretend To Work (PTHOWFWYPTW for short), turning IM Dodgeball into Reliving Middle School Gym and calling freshmen, People Who Are Just Starting College And Haven’t Yet Been Crushed By The Bleakness Of The Future.
When asked what the movement is called, Honey Leaf Dance said, “The Kaleidoscopic Journey into Harmony Between People and Ideas.” Their next move is mysterious, but Beard Plaid Sequoia mentioned it might include removing all placards from a museum display or liberating the vegetables in Safeway from their bonds of name and price. “Who are we to assign a monetary value to a living thing?” emoted Honey Leaf Dance. “Who. Are. We?” She repeated, pounding on a table with each word.