In recent years, the Interest House Community has felt an absence in their ranks. “Some students simply do not care about anything,” said IHC Resident Director Jean Nye. “In a way, isn’t a complete lack of interest its own kind of passion?” This emptiness will be filled by the new Disinterest House, but nothing can fill the emptiness within the students that will live there. The new house will create a safe space for students who give zero fucks about anything and feel persecuted by Whitties who are way too enthusiastic about IM sports and world problems.

In the spring of 2017, construction will begin on the new house, which will open up across from the current IHC. When asked to produce a drawing of the new building, architect Dan Murkle put out a statement saying, “Eh, whatever.” Needless to say, he is more than qualified for the job.

The Disinterest House will accommodate all the students that completely lack enthusiasm, but would still somewhat prefer to live in a house their sophomore year. “I dunno, could be cool. I might check it out,” muttered student Mary McLend halfheartedly, “I might not.” House activities will include sitting around, checking phones and feeling hollow inside.

The Disinterest House also already has an all-campus event planned out, designed to curb the faltering attendance at IHC events. According to a recent poll, more and more students lack the desire to hang out with people that they do not know and get more cultured than a yogurt. For the new Disinterest House event, people will sit on their own bed in their own rooms and watch YouTube videos instead of doing homework. “We expect it will be the highest attended IHC event of the year,” Jean Nye said.

After judging the level of disinterest, more specific apathy houses could open up in future years, blossoming into a whole Disinterest Community separate from the IHC. “I especially don’t care about the environment,” said student Beaustice Soleil. “It’s hard to find other people here at Whitman to connect with about that. Sometimes I feel attacked here at Whitman, but whatever, you know, that’s just who I am.” Possible new Disinterest Houses include a Political Disinterest House, for those who are trying to remain detached from the election, a World Events Disinterest House, for those who think the problems of the Middle East are too stressful for everyday life and a special one for students who are uninterested in social justice, the White Privilege House.

It remains to be seen if any students will rouse themselves from the couches of apathy long enough to complete the application to the new Disinterest House.