The Whitman Health Center is looking to hire several new staffers to deal with the seasonal influx of stuffy noses, sore throats and “a whole bunch of other gross drippy stuff we don’t want to touch,” primary and only doctor Purdon Whipple said. The number of students coming into the center suffering from colds, inexplicable rashes and surprise cancer has overwhelmed Dr. Whipple’s erratic office hours and spilled over into the nurses’ busy schedules.

“Frankly, we don’t have the time or the patience to deal with all that whining,” nurse Jenny Bobbitt said. Another nurse popped her head around the door and added, “Yeah, there’s enough wine around here already!” The two medical professionals shared a lengthy chortle and a practiced high-five, then went on break.

Some of the duties to be performed by the new staffers will include listening to student health complaints while sucking air in through teeth sympathetically, making it rain ibuprofen as if they were in a geriatric strip club and, if that does not work, calling for an ambulance to take the student to the emergency room. “I just don’t know what kind of horrible virus can’t be fixed through sympathy or throwing painkillers at it,” Dr. Whipple anxiously added. “They don’t teach this kind of thing at Doctor University.”

The new employees should fit in with the work environment, embodied in the Health Center motto “Vae Aeger Maximus” which translates to, “Get These Students Out of Here as Soon as Possible Before They Make us Sick.” These words, spelled out on both sides of the Health Center door with free cough drops, are the first thing staffers will see in the morning and the last thing they will see when they leave.

Qualified applicants should have a strong throwing arm for maximum medicine slinging, and preferably no previous experience. “We’re sick of these hordes of Whitman WFRs coming in here with their so-called ‘ideas,’” Jenny Bobbitt said, throwing up air quotes around the last word. Training will be provided either on the job or not at all, authorities have not yet decided.

Applicants should come to the interview with new ideas on how to improve the Health Center, which has been struggling with relevance ever since the gym started handing out free Advil. “We’re trying to become the lead in health care,” Whipple said. “That’s why we have so much lead in our water.” Contenders should be comfortable with hand sanitizer and admitting they do not know what is going on. Drop off resumés at the Health Center between 8 a.m and 8:05 a.m.