Recently, the former Whitman mascot “the Missionaries” was deemed a mark of past times, a time when people killed others due to cultural differences. Luckily, we have advanced since then and the age of suffering by minority figures has ended, ushering in a new age which must have a new figurehead. Students, faculty and staff have grouped together to solve the problem of what our exceedingly fair school’s mascot should now be. Following are some of their more promising ideas.

First on the docket comes from student Flip Jupiter. “Our college’s name practically begs this as our mascot choice,” he said. “I present…the Whitman WhiteMan.” Flip ripped a display cloth off of his demo, revealing simply another student underneath. This proposal is promising because the ideology of the WhiteMan privilege is already accepted as a core belief at Whitman College. “As a member of this school, I am entitled…to my opinions!” Flip hastily added on at the end. Additionally, Flip pointed out that the college would save money on mascot costume purchases, and it would be incredibly easy for the campus to dress up to show support at sporting events.

On a similar theme, a suggestion made by Diesel Blade aims to increase the success of Whitman sports by making the mascot more intimidating. “The Whitman Hitman will send the right message,” Diesel growled in a masculine voice while vaping. “Whitman is not a college to be messed with.” As a mascot, the Hitman will easily win any inter-mascot fight at sporting events and will crack knuckles until the other team is cowed into defeat and possibly sheeped and goated into submission as well.

In a different vein, the whole Drama Department unified to suggest that Whitman take on the mascot Wildcats. They have already constructed several song and dance numbers around their idea. “Really we’re all in this together,” sang theatre representative Zac Efron while dancing in a tasteful box step. “It’s now or never, we’ve got to get our head in the game.” Several other people fell in behind Efron in perfect choreographed synchronicity. “What team?” Efron chanted. “WILDCATS!” the drama department chanted back. The whole group danced away singing “Wildcats everywhere, wave your hands up in the air.” Jazz hands ensued.

The last contender for the new mascot is the Whitman Smallpox Blankets. This was proposed by the pioneer in the fight to change the mascot, Whitman alumn and bag lady Madge Skunner, who believes that the Missionaries was not culturally insensitive enough. Madge started this petition back in ’86, and is very excited that her voice is now being heard. The Smallpox Blankets would allow us to “assert our dominance over other cultures once and for all,” said Madge in a voice like sandpaper over chalkboard.

Voting will take place at some point. If you wish to contribute your own ideas for a new mascot, don’t.