According to reports, God (of Heavenly Father fame), is kinda busy right now, so you’re just gonna have to hold on for a couple of minutes, ok? Telling reporters that the number of prayers he’s received in the last few weeks is just “too much,” even for a supreme, all-knowing being such as himself.

Inundated with small daily prayer requests, which according to the Lord of Lords range from people who’ve lost their keys to students worried about their chemistry exam, God simply can’t keep up. While The Most High One would love to help you out, he’s got bigger things on his plate, so take a chill pill.

Said God, “I’m honestly swamped right now. I’m dealing with those earthquakes in Ecuador and Japan, the detrimental horrors of global capitalism, genocide, war, cancer–oh boy, don’t get me started on how much cancer I’m working on fixing … The point is, I don’t have a ton of free time on my hands. And let’s not even talk about how y’all are ruining the planet upon which I released you as stewards of my divine creation!”

“Look, if my schedule frees up a bit, I’ll get back you about your keys. But to be honest, I could care less if the football player wins the sportsball game.”

God suggested a number of alternative avenues for low-level prayers, including other deities. “Has anyone checked in with all of those Greek gods and goddesses lately? They seem to have a lot of free time to philander and mess around with each other, so maybe they can help you out.”

According to Heaven’s press secretary, all future prayers will be directed to the office of St. Peter for initial screening. After the first round of screening, prayers will then be sent to The Right Hand of the Father (who art in heaven).

At press time, God was pondering, “The good old days when he used to just smite people.” No word has come on an official change to Heavenly smiting policy.