ASWC Passes Pio Bylaw, Gets Off

Austin Biehl, Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writers

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The night of April 17 will go down in history as the freakin’ Independence Day for members of the small, deformed, name-ambiguous situation that is The Pioneer. Queen Clarra May sent out an email to The Pio listserv declaring, “I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! But today we must stand and fight against the forces of darkness and oppression and the Kafkaesque ASWC Oversight Committee that currently stand against us.” We clad ourselves in newspaper helmets, fueled up on ice cream sandwiches and marched to ASWC’s citadel (once again located on the third floor of Mem, since Reid apparently seemed a bit too accessible) in order to do battle with the powers that be. While the stress created by the administration’s continued reticence to acquiesce to The Pioneer’s name change has transformed editors Clarra May and Carah Sornett into crazy-eyed, Amazonian queens, it became quickly apparent that the tension was all for nothing. In fact, it seemed as though most members of ASWC gave not even a single fuck about what The Pioneer calls itself, as evidenced by the unanimous vote that The Pio could just do whatever it damn well wanted to and please don’t come to our meetings again, thanks. So while The Pio staff was ready for a bloody war against ASWC for their rights to change the name of the paper, there was in fact a far more cunning, devilish power at work with the walls of Memorial that night: the absolute mind fuckery that is parliamentary procedure.

The fact that the staff of The Pioneer was completely, utterly out of their depth became abundantly apparent within the first 5 minutes when one speaker finished her impassioned speech, sat down and all the other members of ASWC began rapping their fists on the table. The confusion completely broke one member of our staff, who sobbed, “What is that? What are they doing?” A paternalistic ASWC member took pity on her to explain, “Oh it’s just what we do to show support for other cult members.” Not placated, she simply screamed, “No! You’ve managed to find a form of affirmation that’s more obnoxious than snapping! CURSE YOOUUU!!” With that she fled from the room.

Yet this paled in comparison to the rampant destruction wrought by speaker’s lists, motions, bylaws and other forms address designed to make government less accessible. The room became a veritable Tower of Babel, with senator’s adding themselves to the speaker’s list for no apparent purpose other than to shout “Yas Kween” and then sit down again. Even members of ASWC  became confused, stating “I have literally no idea what is happening right now.” Our fearless leader, Pack Jercival clarified the situation for the room, stating, “Well, if the Senate finds it now amenable, we are now voting on the amendment to the amendment of the bylaw that was drafted by the oversight committee regarding the original motion in clause A2.16.18.” Surprisingly, this did not seem to provide greater clarity, and instead caused only more distress, as several members of The Pio staff began beating their heads against the wall, the novelty of the situation having worn off long ago.

Yet the power of parliamentary procedure, once set in motion by the members of ASWC, could not be undone. Members of The Pio watched in fascinated horror as ASWC members became visibly distressed by the fact that an hour had passed and not a single substantive thing had actually occurred. Yet despite this, ASWC members could not help themselves from continually voicing their opinion, regardless of whether or not it had already been said by eight other people. As the minutes stretched into hours, disaster seemed inevitable for both sides: ASWC, unable to extricate itself from the verbal jacking off facilitated by parliamentary procedure, and The Pioneer, rapidly giving less and less of a fuck about the name change with every passing minute.

After a few eons, members of ASWC decided that they had teased themselves long enough, and that the time had come for the climax of the affirmation circle jerk: the vote. ASWC’s Chief Music Curator for Reckless Self Aggrandizement set the mood with Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On’, and the “vote” commenced. The Pioneer staff grew increasingly uncomfortable as each senator shouted “aye” with increasing desperation and frequency, until Pack Jercival banged his gavel on the table in exaltation, announcing that The Pio could in fact do it’s own thing. The Pio staff filed hurriedly out of the room, leaving ASWC to bask in their afterglow, unsure of what had just occurred but feeling decidedly voyeuristic. Clarra May stated, “We’re grateful to ASWC for the positive relationship we’ve maintained with them … but after that meeting I’m not sure they need a relationship with anything except the sound of their own voice. Sorry I need to go scrub my eyes and ears now …”