How to Get Rid Of Your Prospie

Clara Wheeler, staff writer

Ugh. It’s the weekend, time to have fun, but you’re saddled with a prospie that follows you everywhere like an ugly duckling. But this is one baby duck that won’t be swooped up by a crow and leave you blissfully free to go to TKE’s rad party. However, don’t kiss your drunken festivities goodbye just yet. With this easy trouble-shooting process brought to you by the Admissions Office, you’re sure to be shirking your responsibilities and making poor life choices in no time.

  The most important part of getting rid of your prospie for the night is to make their visit difficult from the beginning. Take away their shoes, insisting that everyone here goes barefoot. Give them a lock of your hair to “remember you by”, and try to snip off some of theirs when they’re not looking. Try to convince them to let you give them a tattoo with the sterilized needle and pot of ink you have in your desk. These tricks alone might be enough to encourage the weaker willed to sit alone in the library for the rest of their visit, but if your prospie hasn’t run back to their parents yet and party time is fast approaching, here are some guaranteed ways to ditch them. 

If your prospie is looking for the “real Whitman experience”, tell them to meet you out in front of the Snorglorff building. It’s a really cool place, you’ll say. Where everybody gets together and talks about diversity and world problems. While they’re wandering around campus like a lost little lamb in search of an imaginary building, you can finally pregame in peace.

Also, you know that one friend of yours that never really seems to go out much? Tell that friend that you’re feeling sick, and you hate to impose, but please, could they take your prospie while you go to bed early? After you drop off the prospie at your friend’s room, you can look at your watch, realize it’s party o’clock, and head on over to the frats for that you will never forget.

Lastly, here are some final tips and tricks to keep the good times rocking and the party never stopping. Don’t give your prospie your real phone number or your real name. That way if you get separated, it’ll be harder to find each other again. Find some unlocked room in Jewett and convince your prospie that you live there. Then when they stumble back late at night, after looking for the Snorglorff or from hanging out with your friend, they will be somebody else’s problem.

Good luck and happy weekend, Whitman.