Celebrity wrangler, “presidential candidate” and professional Muppet impersonator Donald Drumpf visited Whitman’s campus last weekend, hot off his win in the Arizona primary. Arizona’s result was a bit of a surprise–pollsters suspected the state’s clean record on racial profiling and basic human rights would preclude a Drumpf win.
When asked why he chose to visit Walla Walla, Drumpf answered in the clear and concise manner to which voters have become accustomed.
“Well, what you have to understand is that other people might ask, ‘Why come here? Why visit Eastern Washington?’ And those people just aren’t winners. You know what they say: location, location, location! I’m in the business of making great decisions, this decision has real star potential. I’m not like the other guys, I’m Donald Drumpf,” said Drumpf. “Plus, I wanted to check out the White House.”
At this point in the conversation, an aide pulled Drumpf aside to explain that he was currently in Washington State, not Washington D.C. Muffled questions were heard before Drumpf started rapidly and repeatedly aspirating–what some refer to as laughter, though the term seems inadequate to capture the sinister undertone.
“You know, some people would say I had made a mistake,” said Drumpf, scratching his great ugly head. “Guess that goes to show why you never ought to let a Canadian book your flight.”
At this point, Drumpf stomped away in order to arrive on time for his speech in Cordiner Hall. He was greeted by a rare sight: 3 attendees and 15 protestors. All together, they did not quite fill the second row.
After the speech, which was, as usual, meandering, nonsensical, xenophobic and racist, attendees filtered into the lobby to mingle and speak to the “candidate.” Drumpf was nowhere to be found.
“I love Drumpf,” said one of the three supporters, a misprogrammed AI project named Malum Delegit that escaped from Maxey earlier this year. “I love Drumpf.”
Drumpf’s opponents were a little more chatty.
“Honestly, I’m still holding onto the hope that he gets preoccupied with a shiny object or an avalanche of bankruptcy cases and forgets all about this political venture,” said sophomore Blanch Liberal. “This will be the first presidential election in which I am eligible to vote and I intend to completely ignore the congressional elections to campaign against Donald Drumpf, unless Bernie Sanders loses in the Democratic primary, in which case I simply may not vote.”
In the end, a quote from Drumpf’s speech captured the atmosphere of the evening.
“I want this,” said Drumpf. “And so, as the most entitled white guy you know, I expect you to just roll over and give it to me.”