New Study Suggests Positive Relationship Between Tenure and Apathy

Trevor Lewis, staff writer

While it has yet to be peer-reviewed, a groundbreaking new study from Georgetown University researchers points to a strong negative correlation between achieving tenure and caring about things. I reached out to Professor Gregory T. Phillips, lead researcher of the now famous tenure apathy study and owner of at least three coffee-stained polos. He had this to say about his revolutionary new work: “What the hell are you talking about? What study? Oh, the tenure stuff? Yeah, I mostly just let the TA’s and lab techs handle all that. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have midterms to not grade.”

Not everyone, however is in support of this new study’s findings. Local English professor and notorious in-class bourbon consumer Daniel Michelson was overheard mumbling “Ughhhhhhhhhhhh…screw this study” into a pile of drool-covered senior theses shortly after passing out on his desk. Provost and dean of faculty Spat Pencer was also not terribly pleased with the implications of Phillip’s discovery. This morning he issued the following statement: “We here at Whitman College are appalled to think that faculty don’t give a fuck…more than the administrators. Woooooo yeah admin!!!”

Spat then set fire to several couches and was last seen robbing a liquor store on Issacs before riding a Whitman golf cart into the sunset.