In an unexpected turn of events, it seems that people have actually read an article published in the Pioneer. Vitriolic anger exploded last week when the Pio announced its radical decision to change its name from a symbol of racist colonialism to something more culturally appropriate. “God dammit,” swore Whitman President Mathy Kurray upon learning the news. “First changing the college mascot and now this. How am I supposed to get money from the landed aristocracy funding this college when the White Settler or whatever it’s called insists on promoting a vaguely progressive ideology?” 

Despite the rage of campus administrators regarding the Pio’s insistence on occasionally doing something newsworthy, it was nothing compared to the backlash from school alumni. This should come as no surprise given the sheer amount of cash money that these generous individuals have invested in the Pio. In fact, this year in particular the Pioneer exceeded all expectations and received more than two subscriptions. It’s understandable then that people want to have their voices heard in a paper that they’ve given so much to. For example, one alumnus expressed concern that the Pio editors might not know what the word “pioneer” meant, and subsequently included its dictionary definition, writing, “See? Pioneers can do lots of cool stuff so we should probably keep its name.” Another was more direct, simply stating, “I’m angry and I don’t know why but I’m White and this is probably reverse racism. I’m not sure what that is, but I know it’s bad.”

The response from the administration has been quick and decisive. Dean of Students, Cluck Cheveland noted, “We need to remind people that our college is firmly committed to maintaining its colonialist origins. The Covered Wagon Train, or whatever, should just keep being called…well, whatever it’s called now. This isn’t just an obsolete college newspaper. This is serious business. We need to make sure that the Musket is reporting in a manner that reflects the values of the administra…erm…students.” Meanwhile in the Office of the President, Mathy Kurray put in a CustomInk order for fifty-seven screen-printed shirts reading “I AM NOT THAT LIBERAL” for her and her subordinates to wear at the Governing Board meetings in April. “I’m hoping they will get the message, but it might be too subtle for them,” said an exasperated Kurray.

In other news, writers at the Pioneer could not be happier with how things are turning out. “I always dreamed that a single human would read something I wrote for the Pio, and that dream has finally come true,” said one columnist. Editor Clarra May had similar feelings: “Actively engaging with an avid readership was why I got into journalism. Ever since the name change I’ve been getting fifty pieces of hate-mail a day. Truly an incredible change.” Ultimately, everyone working at the Pioneer had always thought that alumni, faculty and administrators had better things to do than worry about a little school newspaper. Well, we couldn’t be happier to be proven wrong.