As we all know, Whitman has a longstanding tradition of reminding women that they are the inferior sex. Earlier in Whitman history, this tradition took the form of forcing women to live on campus all four years and registering male guests in Memorial Hall. Chastity belts were also provided in the health center. Thankfully, we’ve entered a new progressive age where sorority women live in a residence hall with RAs, quiet hours and policing of drinking habits like the children they are. Meanwhile, fraternity men reside in unsupervised petri dishes that allow them to meaningfully contribute to society in such ways as stealing polar bear statues, rolling a giant snowball into the fish statue on Ankeny and being the chief provider of alcohol for sorority women at parties.

While there is certainly merit in holding functions at fraternity houses, sorority women have decided that in 2016 it’s maybe time to start thinking about the reality that not only do sorority women drink, they can also muster up the brain power to plan and host their own parties at which they can drink. Because parties are not allowed in Prentiss, Greek women have gotten creative in the spaces they rent out for their own functions. Recent functions include a flip cup tournament in the ASWC office, a Women in Politics party in the president’s house and a marginally politically correct marriage-themed function in the Lactation Room in Memorial.

Clearly, it’s an exciting time for women in the twenty-first century. Hillary Clinton is running for president, most people believe the wage gap isn’t a myth and women at Whitman have restricted freedom to party when and how they want. “We have some big plans for future functions,” one sorority social chair told The Pioneer, “we’re thinking of having our formal in my advisor’s office and our obligatory vaguely America-themed function in my little’s room in Jewett.”

The sexist policies of both the national sorority offices and Whitman itself work in tandem to restrict and police the behavior of sorority women, so it looks like these creative women will be confined to unconventional party spaces for the foreseeable future. In the meantime, an anonymous source told The Pioneer that the Whitman administration will be working with the National Panhellenic Council in private meetings to develop questionably believable stories for why sorority women cannot have their own space to host parties. The most recent failed attempts included the outlandish “too many women in an enclosed space with alcohol legally constitutes a brothel” story and the even more dubious “Whitman doesn’t have enough money to buy sorority women a space for functions” falsehood.

One member of the administration told The Pioneer in an exclusive interview, “obviously we believe in gender equality here at Whitman, but isn’t it more helpful to just let the women figure it out on their own? We wouldn’t want them to have any unfair societal advantage, that’s real feminism at work.”