Report: pluto “so done” with whole planet thing

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer

Kuiper Belt, Solar System, Milky Way

Pluto, the dwarf planet best known for its demotion from full planet ten years ago, released a statement on Thursday, saying it was, “So done with the whole planet thing.”

The statement comes in the wake of last week’s announcement that astronomers have discovered a new planet. The new celestial body, dubbed “Planet X,” is said to orbit the Sun once every 15,000 years, and is approximately the size of Neptune.

The discovery marks the return of the classic nine-planet solar system – a move that appears to have left Pluto more than a bit upset.

“Yeah, I guess you could say I’m salty, that’s for sure. I mean, it hurt back in 2006 when they made me a dwarf planet, but this is just adding insult to injury.”

Pluto added, “Look, I know I don’t have some cool, twenty-first century name like ‘Planet X,’ but I’m sick and tired of being treated like a B-list planet. No more. I just don’t care.”

The icy Trans-Neptunian is apparently using this latest career blow as a way of reevaluating its priorities.

“Too often,” said Pluto, “We get caught up in trivial, physical things like who’s a planet and who’s not. But I’ve decided that it’s time for me to stop caring what others think. I’m gonna take some time for me.”

“I’m already feeling much freer now that I’m able to worry less about what these astronomers think. I’ve actually been reading a lot, I just finished the Harry Potter series. Plus, I’ve finally had some time to work in my garden. Dwarf planet or not, maybe I’ll start golfing! Who knows, this is the new me!”

Pluto also plans to release a book about its experience, entitled “Learning to Let Go: Enjoying the ‘Little’ Things.” The book, available on Amazon, will be a bit pricy: $1.5 billion dollars a copy, mostly due to the high cost of shipping.

When reached for comment, the astronomical community said in one collective voice, “Suck it, Pluto.”