Baby it’s cold outside (and we’re all going to die)

Clara Wheeler, Staff writer

The recent appearance of snow on the ground made one thing clear: Nature is throwing in the towel and has declared humans as the victor over global warming! We should all take a moment to congratulate ourselves. We have finally won. Gone is the danger of ice caps melting, of rising sea levels taking out the only good beaches for tanning and of hurricanes affecting other people in poorer countries. The planet is clearly getting colder, so not only have we halted the increase in temperature, we have also reversed it! It is colder outside than a Walmart shopper on Black Friday. We can stop pretending to like biking as a form of transportation, and we can turn up the heat as high as it can possibly go. Glory in life with a tropical indoors and a Game of Thrones-esque winter outside. A bit of contrast in life is always healthy.

We may not have taken this whole “no more global warming” thing quite far enough yet. In fact, graphs suggest that the weather is going to keep getting colder. Soon it will be too cold to enjoy typical winter activities like taking posed pictures in the snow with frothy drinks. Our society will crumble in an unstoppable onslaught of ice as the glaciers cover the world. Though it may be too late, we should try to warm up the planet up to the point where we can still wear those cute scarves but do not actually need them. Take the longest showers possible and buy those pieces of fruit that come individually wrapped in their own fashionable Styrofoam sweaters. So before we all freeze to death, we should all take the time to make a bonfire out of our plastic items and warm ourselves by its flames. Remember, every little bit helps.