Scientists urge public to crank up A/C in effort to cool planet

Clara Wheeler, staff writer

Scientists have confirmed that due to global warming, this next winter could be the warmest yet, unless we act fast. Unlike the usual environmental issues that impact solely the poor, this one will be devastating to the whole human race. Enjoyable winter activities like snowball fights will be replaced with throwing dirt. Sledding will devolve into wrangling a pig down a steep, muddy hill. A romantic winter stroll in the snow will be demoted to a boring walk outdoors.

The issue is so dire that the American government has decided to take a leading role. In a statement delivered last evening, all of Congress, dressed in dark robes, chanted in eerie unison from the middle of a thick mist: “All cars will be destroyed. A dromedary will be issued to each person who formerly owned a car. Cow flatulence is causing global warming. Therefore all cows must be eliminated. Expect lower prices on beef. End statement.” The fog rolled back, withdrawing Congress from the podium back into the Capitol building, leaving behind nothing but the faint smell of cumin.

Adding to the national planned action list, Congress issued a series of tips for the general public to fight against the warming of the planet.

  • If you have air conditioning, start running it at a frosty 40 degrees Fahrenheit (about 4 degrees Celsius for all you Canadians) and open all doors and windows, allowing the gloriously cool air to exit and reduce the unnatural heat.
  • Keep all refrigerator doors open at all times. Start using your freezer to make vast amounts of ice and throw it into any body of water you can find.
  • Encourage birds to flap their wings more. Scientists say this fanning of their feathery hands will disperse the hot air particles amongst the cold ones. Left by themselves, the hot air particles will die out and disappear. Try shouting at the birds. So many animals besides humans exist on this planet – it is time they do their part.
  • If you feel cold, don’t put on a sweater. Scientific findings prove that hot air particles multiply greatly within human bodies upon contact with warmth. These hot air particles escape outside with every breath and significantly impact the overall temperature of the planet. Similarly, don’t drink any hot beverages, eat hot meals, or fall in love.

Remember, it is only through constant effort that we can maintain our beautiful planet. These new changes will impact us all and usher in a new utopian age. So enjoy your new dromedary. Name it Alex. Savor the taste of beef while it lasts. And relish the upcoming winter, citizen. You’ve earned it.