Father Concedes His Toddler Not Yet A Person

Ben Freedman, staff writer

After much reflection, Walla Walla native Jim Schindler formally announced that his one and a half year old son, Tommy, does not yet deserve the recognition of personhood.

“Once he was born there was a brief honeymoon period when I showed him unconditional love and respect, but after I realized that Tommy can’t really do shit, it’s been tough trying to maintain those feelings,” said a disappointed Schindler.

Last Saturday, the Schindlers were purportedly crossing Maple Street heading to the ice cream parlor when an oncoming van spooked Tommy, causing him to hold out his hand expectantly towards his father.

“It’s moments like those that remind me how helpless the little guy is,” said a disgusted Schindler.

Jim later clarified that Tommy’s disappointing lack of redeeming qualities does not end there, but continues into numerous aspects of family life.

“Like just a couple days ago…the boys came over to watch the game, and with two minutes left we get a touchdown to take the lead. We’re all going crazy, and there’s Tommy, just sitting and staring with those big unseeing eyes, drooling like an idiot. It’s like he doesn’t even care.”

The family babysitter chimed in on the manner, adding that when it came to getting ready for bed, Tommy could seriously be “a little prick.”

When reached for comment by The Pioneer, Tommy let out a confused grunt, and fell off of the sofa.

“I guess part of the reason it’s been so hard is that I expected more from the kid, you know? I’m a doer; I want to get out in the world and make waves, but Tommy? Well, he just seems content milking his family for attention and playing with toys.”

Although this fundamental divergence in life values between father and son is troubling, Schindler still believes the future might hold hope for their relationship yet. “I’m optimistic at some point he’ll better resemble an actual human being, but for now I guess I’ll just have to be content going through the motions of being his dad.”