Mountain lion sparks fierce debate over divestment

Ben Freedman, staff writer

The push for divestment has become a heated topic over the last few years, with much of the student body and ASWC voicing their strong support for moving Whitman investments into non-fossil fuel related industries.

The discussion took an exciting turn last Wednesday when a scathing Op-Ed appeared in the Walla Walla Union Bulletin, voicing some serious concerns. Although the topic is not new, the concerned citizen is actually a mountain lion, marking a landmark first case of feline literacy in eastern Washington. Hailing from some cave north of Waitsburg, the cat offered a distinct opinion rarely seen around campus.

During a brief meeting between the mountain lion and ASWC executive council, tensions boiled over.

“Call me old fashioned, but responsibility in protecting our endowment is paramount when tuition rates continue to soar,” the cat reportedly mentioned.

“What a typical cougar,” scoffed ASWC president Jack Mercyvail. “The cat takes Macro and now he’s Milton Friedman? Someone get that clown a bowl of milk.” Mercyvail later added, “I’ve got the entire school on my side, he doesn’t even have opposable thumbs.”

In an effort to gauge public support, The Pioneer reached out to interview Whitman students about their opinions on the matter, generating insight into why this issue is on the forefront of proposed ASWC policy.

“What’s divestment again?” answered junior Cal Mandro.

“I like nature, but I also like money,” added an unconvinced ES-Economics major.

“I think my friend had divestment last year, and she hasn’t quite been the same since,” muttered a bewildered first-year.

“Oh yeah I support it, fuck the oil industry!” yelled senior Tommy Johnson.

Like most issues on campus, the student body has taken strides in making their opinions achieve intangible success. Just last week, Kathleen Murray reportedly “thumbed through” a 14-step divestment proposal from ASWC, before promptly shredding it in its entirety.

“It’s wins like this that remind us how far we’ve come,” reminded a hopeful Mercyvail.

Annoyed with his lack of persuading ASWC, the mountain lion stormed off the campus, and in a brief moment of confusion, perceived a student walking away as a sign of fear. This triggered an instinctual need to chase, and consequentially hunt an unsuspecting first-year. As a crowd gathered to witness what happened, the cat reportedly slunk away.

After a weekend of controversial Op-Ed’s, debate and the tragic loss of a first-year, the push for divestment marches on.