The one aspect this country of America really holds above everything else is sports. That’s why NASCAR has 75 million fans and no one watches soccer. Football has been America’s love since day one except for baseball. It is a different story. Baseball is America’s pride and glory.

However, at Whitman, a real sport rules the campus. I’m not talking about Whitman’s 40-year-undefeated football team which has won over hearts of the many passionate soccer lovers. It’s not the DIII sports either. Some examples: Soccer isn’t fun and games, it’s neither fun nor a game. To current day knowledge, soccer still hasn’t become a sport. The baseball team doesn’t play games, do they? I hear they just drink beer and sometimes go to class. Other sports like basketball and tennis do quite well… for DIII competition. Varsity Nordic is one of the sports that almost makes it above the rest. They are all about the comedy and fun, and they appreciate when you laugh at them. They definitely provide better entertainment than the other sports on campus. Are there even more teams here at Whitman? Do we have a cross country team or even a swim team? If so, I have never seen a “meet” (what they call competition, still DIII). The real sport is Ultimate, the only DI team.

You have probably heard of them or heard them yelling, “less GOOOO SWWWWEEEEEETTTTSSSSSSS!” or “Twende Sweets.” They play pick-up (a friendly competition that allows everyone to join in) on Fridays. You do not have to worry about messing up because everyone is willing to help. However, when the real practices occur, you can see six-foot, 185-pound males throwing their bodies five feet in the air to catch the flatball (disc). If you look close enough you can probably see their fat jiggle. Or you will see 5’6″, 130 pounds of female huckin’ the disc 80 yards down field for the deep cut to catch in stride. Quite a sight to see, I must say. It is the only sport that keeps my attention for more than 10 minutes. If I am on adderall, I can probably watch baseball for 11 minutes and soccer for 10 and a half.

If you get close enough to the chill Ultimate players, you will hear them spitting terminology that just vibes (some terminology one said) excitement. I once heard some flatballers describing a play and it was rad. It went something like this: “‘Did you see that play where Janimal hammered the disc down field to the deep cutter to sky his defender with a bid and complete the Greatest by hitting his teammate in the endzone.’ ‘He totally is UR BOOOOIIIIIIIIIII! Such a legend. Definitely will win the Callahan this year.'” I don’t even know what that means! It sounds better than “The quarterback throws the pigskin (gross, pigs suck and their skin does too) to the wide receiver and he runs out of bounds.” If you have the ball, the idea is not to run out of bounds, dumbass. Even I know that. Football sucks, and the reason Whitman’s team has been undefeated is because we do not have one. And thank goodness we don’t have one because I’d transfer. I will repeat, football sucks, but the worst announcing is soccer. All the announcers are British and don’t make sense. Plus, it’s stupid to pass the ball backwards. This is why Ultimate is known around campus as the greatest sport ever! Ask anyone. There is even a question on the Common App asking if people know how to throw a disc, and if you don’t then I’m quite surprised. I can usually tell the vibes of campus based on how many discers are out S-ing the D (slinging the disc). The more the better; campus just flows when the D is being tossed.

So there it is, Ultimate is the greatest sport at Whitman. To make it even for all the other sports teams, Whitman made it a club sport (girls freeze tag, I mean lacrosse, is even a school sport). The Whitman staff were scared it would cause Whitman to be a one sport school. It’s probably the one good decision the administration has made, besides taking out football. Beware other sports, make sure to hunker down cause Ultimate is here and in full stride.