Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 8
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Announcements on Local Club Presidents

Lez Pres Juarez says fez his

Junior Juarez Hamilton, president of the local chapter of the Militant Lesbian Society, has admitted that the fez hat reading “misogynist pig” that appeared atop the statue of Marcus Whitman is indeed his. No word yet as to whether he will face administrative action for this.

Bare fair chair Cher unaware of bear scare

President of the Nudist Society on campus, senior Cher McIntyre, reported today that she had not been informed about the uptick of bear activity at Crystal Springs, the usual site of the Whitman College Annual Naked Carnival. She says inquiries are being made as to the danger posed by the animals but reassures students that the carnival will go ahead as planned with a possible change of venues.

Pro snow bro Joe brought low by blow

There was a scandal at the Olympics as Whitman student and head of the ski team sophomore Joe Johnson was accused of using cocaine before his qualifying round for the long jump. Johnson denies these allegations, but has been banned from practicing until they can be fully investigated. This could severely hurt his Olympic chances, and the whole Whitman community holds its breath and hopes the charges can be dismissed quickly.

Brief relief for reef chief after disbelief about beef aperitif thief

Senior Steven Angor, head of the Marine Biology Club on campus, was vindicated today after the apprehension of senior Daniel Halger, who, according to Angor, has been stealing the appetizers laid out for members of the club. For a long time it was believed that Angor had been making up the allegations because of a personal feud with Halger, but security cameras caught  Halger in the act of slipping almost four pounds of meat into his bag before the Tuesday club meeting. Charges have not yet been filed in this case.

Latin satin napkin captain flattened

Tragedy struck today when sophomore George Stevenson, the captain of the etiquette team, was run over by a steam-roller.  Stevenson led the team to nationals this year with an exhibition on South American Table Manners. Little is known about the case at this time. More will be reported as it develops.

‘Cigar Car’ in reservoir after bizarre guitar star au-revoir

The famous Walla Walla cigarette and cigar truck was found floating in the reservoir this morning after a strange series of events surrounding the lead guitarist of Gosh So Many Chimps, John Leroy, who came to play at Whitman College last Friday. It is as of yet unclear how the truck ended up in the water, but guests at the goodbye party say that Leroy had left the party to buy a pack of cigarettes and never returned. Police are still looking for Leroy. If you have any information, you are urged to contact the Whitman security office.

Reader says cedar breeder leader speeder 

Conifer pollination expert and Whitman Professor of Biology Bill Kilketty has apparently been arrested for speeding this weekend, according to an anonymous reader. What this means for the Arboreal Club for which he is the faculty adviser is currently unknown.

Salamander commander Alexander’s candor slander

Sophomore Alexander Smith, president of the Amphibian Protection Club on campus, has been officially reprimanded by the school for calling the president of the Young Republicans, junior Amy Anderson, an “environment killer” in a Pioneer article concerning her talk on Wednesday about nuclear power. Apparently Smith had not even gone to the talk, which focused on assessing the environmental impact of nuclear power as opposed to fossil fuels. He has officially apologized. “I was drunk,” he said.

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