Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Olympic Haikus

Alpine skiing

Oh, look, they can turn!

What an important ski skill

That I do not have…



Glittering landscapes

Broken only by ski tracks

Shit, she’s got a gun!



Let’s all admit it

We would not care about this

Without “Cool Runnings.”


Cross Country Skiing

This entire sport

Is now, sadly, obsolete.

Thanks, snowmobiles.



If this is a sport,

Then I’m the queen of England



Figure skating

So you’re asking me

Who cries at figure skating?

Only real men.


Freestyle skiing

I can’t even turn

And these guys are doing tricks?

Clearly CGI.


Ice hockey 

To be quite honest

We included this sport so

Canada can win.



In qualifiers

I discovered the sad truth.

Ice luge: not a sport.


Nordic combined

Everyone has jumped

And I’m packing up to leave.

But we’re not done. Shit.


Short-track speed skating

When offered tickets

You should always say, “Oh, no”

If it’s not Ono.



You’re going head-first

Down a really long canal.

Wait till Freud hears this.


Ski jumping

When they go 90:

Win Gold. When I go 90:

Suspended license.



Alright, we give up

To make the Olympics hip

We’ll let stoners in.


Speed skating

Running fast is hard

So let’s tie knives to our shoes

And do it on ice.

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