Alpine skiing

Oh, look, they can turn!

What an important ski skill

That I do not have…

Biathlon

Glittering landscapes

Broken only by ski tracks

Shit, she’s got a gun!

Bobsledding

Let’s all admit it

We would not care about this

Without “Cool Runnings.”

Cross Country Skiing

This entire sport

Is now, sadly, obsolete.

Thanks, snowmobiles.

Curling

If this is a sport,

Then I’m the queen of England

BRING ME MY CRUMPETS!

Figure skating

So you’re asking me

Who cries at figure skating?

Only real men.

Freestyle skiing

I can’t even turn

And these guys are doing tricks?

Clearly CGI.

Ice hockey 

To be quite honest

We included this sport so

Canada can win.

Luge

In qualifiers

I discovered the sad truth.

Ice luge: not a sport.

Nordic combined

Everyone has jumped

And I’m packing up to leave.

But we’re not done. Shit.

Short-track speed skating

When offered tickets

You should always say, “Oh, no”

If it’s not Ono.

Skeleton

You’re going head-first

Down a really long canal.

Wait till Freud hears this.

Ski jumping

When they go 90:

Win Gold. When I go 90:

Suspended license.

Snowboarding

Alright, we give up

To make the Olympics hip

We’ll let stoners in.

Speed skating

Running fast is hard

So let’s tie knives to our shoes

And do it on ice.