Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

New Year, new (even more fabulous) me

Illustration by Sophie Cooper-Ellis.

Oh my God, a new year, right? So it’s definitely time to get my life in order. And as the new year dictates, I made some resolutions:

  1. Exercise more
  2. Quit smoking
  3. Save money
  4. Recycle more
  5. Manage my stress
  6. Read more
  7. Dress better

But, honestly, who has time to do all of that? Well, since I am thoroughly dedicated to turning over a new leaf, I vowed to tackle the whole list. I am going to be a better me this year. I decided to do what I do best, and that is multitask!

So, resolution one: exercise more. Well, I could join a gym, but gyms cost a lot of money, which would defeat the purpose of resolution three. With a little creativity, I managed to check off one, three, four and seven all at the same time. Lo and behold, three cardboard boxes, last season’s Manolo pumps (honestly, I would not be caught dead in anything from last season), thirteen hair scrunchies and a ladder I stole from my neighbor and presto! my no-cost homemade exercise master!

Once I had constructed this wonder of technology, it was quite easy to tackle my other resolutions. Every day, I spent a quick three hours at my home gym while reading (this month’s book is “Moby Dick”), while wearing my sportiest Jimmy Choos and three nicotine patches. Totally easy! I have also gotten really great at giving myself manicures while running. French tips, anyone?

Well, that just left me with one more resolution to tick off of my list: managing my stress. I tried everything: meditation, yoga, therapy, and nothing worked! I honestly just couldn’t pull it together! Finally, I realized I have alcohol! Now when I am getting the least bit stressed about getting things done, I just whip myself up an appletini and I am good and relaxed!

So for all of you out there who are struggling with your New Year’s resolutions, I have two simple solutions for you: multitasking and alcohol.

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