Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

True Facts: Holiday Edition

Illustration by Kels Lund

All right, y’all, it’s time to drop some 100 percent accurate knowledge jingle-bombs, so get ready. It’s the holiday season, and there are a lot of rumors out there about what’s going on. Some people call them “holiday tales” or “carols,” but I call them lies. Don’t worry, though. I have some legit facts for you.

1. “Santa” isn’t bringing you presents, okay? He is not the spirit of Christmas. This guy is an elusive B & E master who sneaks into your house like some sort of freak contortionist and eats your holiday cookies because he’s a jerk. “Santa” isn’t even this guy’s real name, OK? It’s his criminal identity. Also, no way he’s got a “bowl full o’ jelly.” Have you seen the size of chimneys lately? He is definitely a real skinny dude.

2. I am all for respecting and celebrating the holiday of your culture or religion. But I have to say, for all the non-religious folk out there who want to celebrate a winter holiday, you are picking the wrong one. Y’all are clearly bad at math because eight is definitely more than one, all right? Learn to count. Moving on.

3. Eggnog, WTF. Studies show that 78 percent of people are actually afraid of eggnog. Legitimately afraid of a “delicious” holiday beverage. I have to say that I am one of these people, and for all of you out there who are like, “no eggnog is delicious,” just no. I mean, have you looked at some eggnog lately? That stuff is suspicious as hell. I would not go drinking raw eggs. No wonder they need to put alcohol in eggnog to get people to even consider drinking it.

4. Let’s be honest here. The number one reason we all love the holiday season is holiday-themed coffee. A latte? Yeah, I’ll take one because coffee is good. A fa-la-la-latte with nutmeg and sugar and winter spice and peppermint and whipped cream and a candy cane and sprinkles and Christmas cookies and an elf in it? They only have enough calories to get a bear through it’s winter hibernation, so I should probably get three. That’s why this article is so brilliant –– all the caffeine and sugar from my coffee. I am totally not going to crash later.

5. No matter what winter holiday you choose to celebrate, the correct outfit for you to wear to your office party/holiday-eve/holiday/whatever winter festivities that you are attending is clear: sweaters. No, I do not mean your favorite holiday sweater. Yes, I do mean sweaters. I mean all of your sweaters. All of them. At once. On your body. Sweaters to the max, y’all. That is holiday style.

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