An unnamed, former Pio sports and Backpage writer, poetry-writing Tau Kappa Epsilon senior agreed to speak to reporters in attempts to dissipate the cloud of mystery surrounding the much-rumored and mysticized Chamber of TKErets. Our unnamed, English and philosophy double major source confirmed the rumors we have all feared to be true.
“The Chamber of TKErets has indeed been opened,” he said.
He explains that upon the formation of the TKE fraternity here at Whitman College, the founding members decided that in order for the fraternal order to remain pure and “bomb-diggity,” drastic measures had to be taken. The founding members installed a secret chamber, or “basement,” underneath the house in which resides a heinous and hella-tight creature known as the Brosalisk.
What little information we have on the fearsome Brosalisk was found in a book clutched in the hands of a first-year TKE passed out from pulling an all-nighter on the fourth floor of the library in order to finish his Encounters paper. “Whitman: A History,” the book the first-year found, revealed that the Brosalisk is a “sick and gnarly creature” who possesses razor-sharp fangs and black-light eyes. Its cry of mad beats has the power to make anyone burst out into dance. The book states, “The purpose of the Brosalisk is to seek out nerds and keep them from entering the Chamber of TKErets.”
Blind in all settings unaccompanied by light shows, the Brosalisk tracks down these “nerds” using its keen sense of smell, and then incapacitates its victims in fits of dancing to the Brosalisk’s dubstep cry. Paralyzed by sweet dance moves, these “nerds” are incapable of entering into the sacred realm of the TKE basement and thereby the unquestionable coolness of the Tau Kappa Epsilon Fraternal Order is preserved for generations of TKEs to come.
Lyle Sealsly, a junior TKE, supports the presence of the Brosalisk on campus, stating that “All of those other frats –– the BETAclaws, the SIGendors and the HufflePHIs –– are all letting so many nerds into their parties. It’s an abomination; they are polluting their own bro-purity with these nerdbloods.”
“I am proud to be a SlytherTKE because we have standards,” said Sealsly.
The Chamber was reportedly opened earlier this month as the true heir of TKE returned to the basement. The identity of the heir is cloaked in secrecy. However, our anonymous source (Gisten Taven) knows who the heir is.
“I saw him last week. He walked into the Chamber, took the Brosalisk for a walk and then let him loose on campus. It was definitely Ryan Bro,” said Taven.
