Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 3
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Students Drunk, Essays Crunk

With the advent of the ill-named “Drunk Sunday” on campus, Encounters professors have noticed a slight decline in the quality of Encounters papers. Some of them have sent in the following excepts to help alert the college to the increasing severity of the problem:

Submitted by Professor Cohn Jotts: “And so Keats was like, ‘Oh, no! I am so sad!’ and the Grecian Urn was like, ‘Yeah, I know rite’ and beauty is truth and truth beauty wam bam done you have a classic.” Interesting insight Aaron, but “wam bam done” is not scholarly language last time I checked. Have you considered trade school?

Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Frankenstein? More like bone-enstein! Am i rite?” I don’t know what you are talking about.

Submitted by Professor Aron Shalker: “Regardless of the varying and contridictiry lenses in Rashomon, it is cleer that in all the accounts, everyone was pretty hammed. That’s why they wanted to fight, were falling down so much, and noone could remember correctly what had happened the next day.” This is literally the worst bit of textual analysis I have ever read. What is wrong with you?

Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Nietzsche? More like do-me! Am I rite?” Seriously, Steven. This is neither smart nor funny.

Submitted by Professor Fattew Mox: “The only conclusion that can be reeched about The Battle Of Algeres is that Drunkmerica is great and life suks if you speek French. DRUNKMEEEEERIKA!!!! DRUNKMERIKA! NOW GIVE A PABST TO MEEEEEEE!” Susan, Drunkmerika is not a place.

Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Odyssey? More like BROdyssey! Am I rite?” Are you stupid? Is that what is going on here?

Submitted by Professor Wames Jarren: “Maus is really sad. (Spleigleman, 1-all) Try harder. In fact, just try at all. For me. Do it for me.

Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “The Second Sex? More like lets get some sex! BOOM! Am I rite?” Please have the Academic Resource Center email me about how to accommodate your particular learning disability.

Submitted by Professor Snon Dow: “‘Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink’ (John 2:10). Best. Scripture. Eva.” Good quote, now what does it mean? Go deeper. I mean, if there is anything deeper than “Best Scripture Ever.”

Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Bhagavad Gita? More like Bhagavad Get Some! Am I rite?” Are you even enrolled here, or do you just show up to class to say stupid things?

Submitted by Professor Kelen Him:

“Partymeister, Allhailtothe

Professor Kelen Him


4 October 2013”

James, this is not MLA format.   Your name is not Allhailtothe Partymeister. You are not a citizen of “Drunkmerika.” Please stop bringing it up in discussion.

Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Ode on Melancholy? More like Ode on My Dick! Am i rite?” You have broken me, Steven. Four years of teaching Encounters and you have officially broken me.

Submitted by Professor Tenna Jerry: “You are mean and unfair and I’m not doing this stupid paper.” True. F.

General Chemistry Professor Bate Noland would also like to submit the following few excerpts of lab reports:

“Conclusion: The catalyst is super hard to pour into the beaker. Its got, like, the tiniest top. Who mad this?

Lab Procedures: We put the whit poison stuff into the blu gross stuff and it did not do anything. What a load of shit.

Lab Procedures: Poured 250 ml of ethanol into my mouth.

Conclusions: Awesom”

As you will notice, comma use and spelling are absolutely unacceptable.

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