Last Friday, as eager first-year Kip Stevens entered Jewett Dining Hall, he was ecstatic to hear that there were, once again, burgers for lunch.

“I really love hamburgers. I, like, could eat like five of them right now,” said Stevens.

However, excitement soon turned to tragedy when Stevens attempted to have a ground beef hamburger placed onto his whole wheat bun.

“I wanted a beef burger, you know? And then I was asked by the server if I wouldn’t prefer to have either the veggie burger or a black bean burger. When I insisted on the beef burger, I was denied service,” said Stevens.

Hungry and beef-burgerless, Stevens expressed his great confusion to reporters.

“I just don’t get it. All I wanted was a hamburger.”

Several other incidents of the sort have been reported lately: tofu in curry instead of chicken, a seemingly extreme amount of hummus and countless inquiries to what seitan actually is. Such inquiries prompted reporters to take a closer look at the catering services on campus. These investigations have proven fruitful. While Whitman College can boast of having one of the highest nationally ranked college food providers known for its dedication to sustainability and menu variety, Bon Appétit, frequently referred to as Bon Ap, is keeping a secret. A Bon Ap informant, here unidentified for their protection, goes on record stating that secretly Bon Ap is slowly trying to convert all students to vegetarianism and ultimately veganism.

“Meat is just too hard to cook,” said our informant. “Plus, if we cut back on meat costs we can afford more quinoa, and who doesn’t want that?”

Furthermore, once Bon Ap has successfully cut out all animal products of any kind, they plan on removing all wheat, soy, nuts, gluten, identifiability and flavor from their entire menu. Although most students of the vegetarian/vegan persuasion strongly support this decision, and have gone on record stating that they prefer their food to be “natural, bland and strangely textured.” However, other students fond of consuming animal products are forming a new support group known as Animal Eaters United. The group meets on Thursdays at 7 p.m. in the Glover Alston Center to cook meat and drink milk. All animal product eaters are welcome. It is unclear what the administration’s stance on Bon Ap’s flavor fade out, but it is of this reporter’s opinion that mo’ quinoa means mo’ problems.